G'day, Punters! Dare I say it? Strap yourselves in because we're about to nosedive into the bizarre, the hilarious, and the downright unbelievable. Welcome to "Five FUN Facts You Didn't Know About Woke Victoria!" Sit back, relax, and prepare to be both amused and bemused by the latest escapades from the land of the wokeness.
Number One: DEI Farms in Victoria Are Now Hiring Woke Leftards to Milk Their Bulls
Yes, you read that right. In Victoria, sex and gender no longer exist or matter. DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) Farms have taken this ideology to new heights by hiring woke leftards to milk their bulls. Despite the glaring biological impossibility of extracting milk from a bull, these woke warriors refuse to believe that their creamy milkshake dreams are just that—dreams. The bulls, meanwhile, seem to be enjoying the extra ‘stroking’ attention, even if it’s all in vain.
Number Two: The Most Violent and Feared Prisoner in Victorian History Now Runs the Max Security Facility
In a plot twist that sounds like it came straight out of a dystopian novel, the most violent and feared prisoner in Victorian history has been put in charge of the maximum security facility. According to the inmates, crime rates have plummeted by an astonishing 99.997%! How, you ask? Well, one anonymous inmate revealed the secret: "Pure genius, mate. Everything has been made legal." Yep, you heard it here first. Legalise all crimes, and presto! Crime problem solved. Could this be the new blueprint for our MPs? Legalise everything from drugs to robberies and even certain unsavory sexual activities? Well, we already have the criminals in charge of Parliament, so... Only time will tell.
Number Three: First LGBTQP+ Non-Binary Priest Opens Doors to Everyone at the New 'One Woke God Church' in St Kilda
St Kilda has always been a bit avant-garde, but this takes the cake. The first LGBTQP+ non-binary priest has opened the 'One Woke God Church,' welcoming everyone, including devil worshippers. A special ritual, not for the faint of heart, will be performed during the sermon. Children are also encouraged to attend, with a realistic AI Baphomet lifelike sculpture reading to them. Drag queens are reportedly devastated that their grooming gigs have been usurped by a synthetic robot goat demon. Ah, progress!
Number Four: Droppy the Koala, First Koala to Lead the First People's, Second and Third but Not Children of Convicts Assembly, Passes Away
A somber note in our otherwise light-hearted romp—Droppy the Koala, the first marsupial to lead the First People's, Second and Third but Not Children of Convicts Assembly in Victoria, has passed away. Condolences have poured in from all corners, with many hailing Droppy as the best political leader Victoria has ever seen. A state funeral will be held behind the Moonee Ponds KFC, ensuring easy access to light refreshments post-burial at Queens Park. Farewell, Droppy. Your legacy will live on in eucalyptus-scented memories.
Number Five: Three in Five Women Are Mothers, and Victorian Feminists Are Outraged
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, three in five women are mothers. Victorian feminists are livid, despite their relentless campaigns supported by big business, big government, and MSM. Is it because women simply don’t listen—period—or have the feminazis pushed their message too hard? Either way, a new Matriarchal Super Feminist Ministry is being established to reduce these figures. One anonymous spokeswoman from Premier Jackass Allan's department stated, "We aim to get less than one in five women to become mothers by 2030, in line with the WEF and UN Population Agenda for a sustainable and brave new woke world." Good luck with that, ladies.
There you have it, punters. This is Takin Thepiss, signing off for The 13 O'clock News, where we bring you "Tomorrow's Headlines Today!" Stay tuned for more absurdity, hilarity, and a healthy dose of common sense.
Cheers!
Senator Papahatziharalambrous